Ethical Spells for Others

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Dear GreyWolf,

I have a dilemma.  I’m out as a witch to my friends, and most of them have asked me to do spells for them.  Last night, I got two requests.  The first came from a friend who’s mom has pneumonia and may have cancer. She’s very worried, and she wanted to know what all she could do, and what I could do.  I gave her some practical advice, told her to pray and to get as many people as she could to pray, and I told her that my husband and I would so a healing spell for her mother, if she got her mother’s permission, which she did.  Her mother is also in the hospital, so she’s under medical care.

The second request is the one I have the problem with.  Another friend had asked me a while back to do a spell to keep her ex from terrorizing her and her son.  I told her to first go to the police, tell them what was going on, and get an order of protection.  I told her that if she followed through and showed that she was really serious, then I would do a spell of protection for her.  She’s in a very sick relationship with this guy, and I really don’t want her blaming me if he ever leaves her for good.  Last night, she said she didn’t want me to do a spell of protection anymore. She wants me to do a spell that makes him treat her better.  I have some qualms about any spell that “makes” someone do anything.  It gets worse though; then as we were doing some other things, she says under her breath, “It’s a sin, you know.”  I said, “If you think it’s a sin, why would you want me to do a spell for you in the first place?”  Then she said, “Oh, it’s not a sin.”  I’ve pretty much made up my mind on the whole business of doing any spells for her, but I don’t know how to tell her without losing a friend.  She’s not very bright, so no conversation we’ve ever had has gone smoothly.  I have to repeat myself all the time and backtrack on everything to make myself clear to her, and even then, I’m not sure I’m getting through half the time.  Anything I did tell her would have to be broken down into its simplest elements.  Any advice you give me would be well appreciated.

Blessed Be,
Spider

Dear Spider,

I really appreciate your high ethical value. It is a sign of competency and strong professional standards that you want to talk through a dilemma. Doctors and counselors do it all the time. The professionalism comes in knowing when to ask questions, not in always knowing the answers–so I applaud you!

In the first situation, I would do the same thing you did. Any time I’m doing a spell, I want to get everyone’s permission, and you absolutely had permission to do a healing spell. Studies show that prayer actually works, and I know from personal experience that magic, spells, lighting a candle, and raising energy do too. By not limiting your healing to magic, you are helping the spell to work even better–that is, getting medical care is what she needs too.

As for your other friend, well…I feel sorry for her. It’s like someone asks for your help, and then yells at you for doing it wrong. She wants spells done for her, but she believes it is a sin? She doesn’t need magic, she needs a priest, in whatever religion she feels most comfortable. Your magic is not going to work on someone who doesn’t want it to work or who thinks it is wrong–and I don’t care how good a spellcaster you are! The deeply held beliefs about sin are difficult to get rid of, even for new converts to Paganism, and if she’s not converting and doesn’t plan to address these ideas, she won’t get out of them with your help.

Sometimes, ethically, we have to just say no.

This will be hard for you–you’re gifted and people come to you for help. But we can’t learn lessons for other people. You know she’s in a bad relationship, and even if you try and help–no matter how wrong it is–if she doesn’t want it, it won’t work. Ask any Alcoholic working on recovery–she must help herself first. Likely, she’ll have to hit rock bottom, or find some deeply rooted boundary where going back to her terrible relationship is no longer an option.

But, can you have some sympathy for her? She’d rather be abused than be alone, and she’s living with some serious fear. In scary situations, adrenalin tells us to fight or fight…and also freeze. Even though she knows the way out is just like you said, calling the police and getting a protection order, etc, she still doesn’t see the way out. The question for you is this: can you honor her inner divinity to believe that she can solve her own problems?

Being blunt with people by being direct and addressing problems head on actually honors the inherent divinity in another. It means you believe that they don’t have to be coddled or protected, but can handle things if they just have enough information. By asking her to go to the police, you have done your ethical duty and are not required to do more. (Unless you are a mandatory reporter such as a teacher or counselor, and then it depends on your state requirements, so find out what you are required to report. For example, in my state, I’m required to report child abuse but not adult or elder abuse, and I’m required to report suicidal or intent to harm another. But in a pastoral counseling capacity, I am not required to report anything under most circumstances–KNOW YOUR RULES!). Anything after that, magically, is like throwing your energy down a bottomless pit, or running into a brick wall.

If you did a spell for her, and it worked, she’ll blame you. If you do a spell for her and it doesn’t work, she’ll blame you. Because she has to learn her own lessons. She has to take responsibility for herself and her child. By asking you to do it for her is a way of being passive and she is not learning a lesson. It sounds like, for you, she’s hard to talk to, so it may take her a little longer to learn what she needs to do. I guarantee you that many many people both more and less intelligent than her have figured out what they needed to do in her exact situation. And it doesn’t matter how many times somebody told them what they needed to do–they must choose their own path. You want her to change and have the tools to make it happen, but she has to want to. She has to use the tools for herself. And frankly, some people are not ready to change. But if we, as helpers, hold others to the highest standard they are capable of meeting, they will eventually meet it, and may even thank you for it.

We can’t always do the spells that other people want. Sometimes it is not ethical or in the client’s best interest. I often won’t because I don’t want to get involved in their drama spiral, or I don’t want to reward bad behavior with attention. Magically, if you feel you must do something, you can always do a spell for general wellness and gentle spiritual growth. I’ll do something relatively passive, like light a healing candle in their name. The magic will go where it is needed. You feel good because you’ve done something, which will return to you three-fold, theoretically, and you won’t lose any sleep thinking you’re tied up in an ethical dilemma with a person you really don’t want much to do with.

As a counselor, if I had a client like the one you are talking about, I would do either one of two things: 1) refer her to another clinician, since she is not getting what she thinks she wants with me and we are making no headway. It is not ethical for me to continue taking money from someone who is not getting anything out of services after a reasonable amount of time, if another clinician might be able to do more. 2) close her file, and give her the option to return when she commits to therapy. The Witch and the Counselor are essentially in the same business, we just use different tools to help clients create change. Closing a client file, or refering out to another does not make you a failure in any way. It proves that you are holding their needs above your own. Not every spell will work for every body, nor every therapist for every client.

And now, I honor you enough to know that, with enough information, you’ll be able to figure out the best course of action for you. If I had a client like that, she’d be pushing all my buttons. Good luck!

Are Wiccans/Witches Required To Do Spells & Rituals?

We often get email from visitors who don’t feel like a true Wiccan or Witch because they haven’t done a dedication ritual, or they don’t take part in the traditional Pagan holidays that honor the changing seasons. In the past, if you wanted to enter Wicca, you had to know someone who had already been initiated (usually a coven member) to receive initiation. But times have changed, and today, anyone, anywhere in the world can practice Wicca.

It’s customary to dedicate yourself to the Goddess and God when you begin a new spiritual journey. A formal ritual is just an outward confirmation of your beliefs, and does not in itself make you a Witch or Wiccan. That will come with time and devotion. If you’ve been studying the Old Ways and already hold a reverence for nature and feel a connection to our Mother Earth, you are headed in the right direction!

For those who are worried about making a mistake or not doing an initiation or ritual right, you can take comfort in a statement from the best selling book “Wicca” by Scott Cunningham. He had heard numerous stories of women and men who were drawn to Wicca but lacked access to covens and books. They simply lit a candle, drank a little wine, and told the Gods (or Goddess) of their intentions. He felt this was perhaps the best sort of dedication ritual, as it was simple and from the heart.

If you want to join a Coven, you may be required to take part in a special initiation or dedication ritual, in the same way that a Church might require a baptism before accepting a new member. The ceremony will vary from Coven to Coven, and while some may feel their tradition is the only true one, there is no single “right” way to do an initiation. Again, the dedication or initiation ritual is simply an outward way to express your inward decision to walk a new spiritual path.

As for celebrating the Pagan holidays and cycles of the moon, the main focus should be on seasonal activities and having fun! If your rituals seem empty because you simply memorize words and perform activities that have no meaning to you, there is not much benefit in doing them. One reader shared with me that she did not need a special altar or a certain color candle for special occasions. All she needed was to be outside and concentrate on a flower, a star, the moon, the warmth of the sun, the cool earth, or listen to some rippling water to feel connected to all that grows and lives. This person is doing what feels right and is keeping things simple.  It’s up to you whether you celebrate the seasons or not, but if you do, choose activities, rituals and/or foods that make each occasion enjoyable.

Finally, in regard to spellwork, a spell could be described as a magical ritual. Magic is the practice of moving natural energies to effect a needed change in our lives and/or the world around us. The majority of Wiccans I know tell me they do not practice spellwork or magic, so it is certainly NOT a requirement.  

Learn as much as you can about Wicca and Witchcraft, but don't worry too much about the exact practices. It's ok to use your own words in spells and rituals.  Just stay focused on celebrating your life and the life of all that surrounds you, and your spiritual journey will be full of natural magic! 

When Good Spells Go Bad

You thought you found the perfect spell.  It seemed to sum up exactly what you wanted to accomplish.  You followed it to the letter and thought you did everything right ... but nothing happened ... or worse yet ... it backfired and your situation is even worse now.  What went wrong? Did you use the wrong words, light the wrong color candle or was it just a bad day to cast a spell? The answer may be - NONE OF THE ABOVE! 

We often receive email from readers who are afraid to even attempt a spell.  One reader recently wrote "Even after reading books on Wicca, I still hesitate to do a simple spell or ritual for fear I could do something horribly wrong without realizing it."  Another wrote "I don't want to hurt anyone, and am afraid to just experiment with spells on my own." Below are a few tips that should help ease these fears and increase the success level of any spell you do.

Most people put a great deal of importance on the words used in a spell. However, with so many different languages and all the ways we have to express ourselves, would the Divine truly be concerned with the specific wording used?  Is there really a need to speak the exact same words that someone else did?  A successful spell is actually based less on the words we write or speak, and more on the thoughts and feelings that those words generate.  When words inspire intense feelings within us, they become very powerful.  Whether we are casting a spell, or just quietly asking for assistance, how we FEEL when we send our thoughts forth can greatly influence the results.  It's important to use words that help us visualize what we want and how we will feel when we've experienced the outcome.  The stronger our feelings are and the more often we send them out, the greater and faster the response is likely to be.  This reaction is also referred to as the Law of Three and/or the Law of Attraction. 

Unfortunately, this Law of Attraction can also work against us. For example, according to the bestselling book The Secret, if we just ask for more money or better health, we are actually saying to the Universe, "I am broke" or "I am not well" and I don't have what I want or need."  Instead of hearing our verbal request for what we want, the Universe is tuned in to our feelings, which in these examples could result in even MORE lack or challenges being drawn into our life! To avoid this we should make sure we are visualizing and feeling what it's like to already HAVE what we are asking for.  Most spiritual paths teach that whatever we ask for, if we truly believe it's possible and can experience the feeling of already having it, we WILL receive it.  If we want to improve our finances, health or relationships, we can best accomplish this by sending thoughts and feelings of thanks to the Universe for what it is helping us achieve.  We can rest assured the Divine is reading our feelings and the Universe is hard at work drawing these things to us! 

Below are a few other positive tips we received from our readers:

~I have found that when I do protection spells for those I feel passionate about, they tend to just keep going indefinitely.  Others only last for a few minutes, probably because I didn't have any deep feelings about it one way or the other.  (This is a good example of how much your feelings can influence a spell.)

~Visualization helps a lot. If you can clearly see the outcome you want, it infuses the spell with your passion and lends a direction, sort of like following a map. (This sends a clear picture to the Universe too!)~ It's a good idea to always include the phrase "may this spell harm none and the end be for the highest good of all concerned.